Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
