I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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