My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
