I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
