Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
They have beer where we have blood.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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