Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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