hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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