i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
