Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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