when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
