Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
