Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
