So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
