I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
