right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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