Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Randomize
