And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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