I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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