ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
