Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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