1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
