Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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