I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
