I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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