The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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