Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
