Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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