It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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