i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
