Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she smelled like a LAN party
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
