Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
