This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
