I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
