when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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