I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Found your dick twin last night
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
