they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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