Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize