Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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