Plan B is the new Plan A
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
