haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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