So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
