I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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