You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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