1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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