the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I skipped work to stalk him.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
