I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
