no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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