I haven't been this sober since birth.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
