Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
