I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
