last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
