The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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