i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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