I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
