It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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