My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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