They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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