Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
