life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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