Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
