Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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