he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
