There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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